The pressure to get baptized is acute on all Witnesses, especially so on the born-in ones. I do not recall the exact date of my baptism but it followed my final last ditch effort to slot in and be a good Jehovah’s Witness. For the half a year leading up to the day that would result in my eventual shunning and disassociation I studied very hard, answered at the conferences, even did 60+ hours a month on the service ( although that was really good fun ).
eventually I was ready to once again approach the Elders about getting dunked. The questions were a breeze which was concluded that I should be baptised at the next circuit assembly.
I can not say that their affirmative reaction to my request to get baptized filled me with happiness ; it had been a hollow victory. As I write this, I wonder how my life may have been different if the first set of Elders had agreed to let me be baptised – maybe I’d still be trapped?
Eventually the circuit assembly came, and as I sat in the changing room, I had no feelings apart from a feeling of ‘what am I doing?’ As I waded out into the pool I was kind of happy that without my glasses I couldn’t see my parents having a look at me. As I was submerged, my heart was empty, no holy spirit, no dove, no sense of happiness at being Gods servant – just cold, numb, and quiet. I believe at about that point part of my consciousness accepted that this whole religion was made up.
I attempted for the next few weeks to be a model Jehovah’s Witness, but with the pressure gone to get baptized, that final ember of belief died.
it wasn’t time for me to split into the all too common double character of a Jehovah’s Witness youth. Before this happened, I might face my darkest days, and inflict the 11 cuts that I still have on my wrist as scars. The darkness, isolation, and absence of any obvious escape route pushed me into attempting to take my own life.
the subsequent chapter will deal with my suicide attempt and the new fact I woke up to the morning after.
Read the full story at Jehovah Witness Beliefs
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